My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
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[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦