have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
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If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
Dead
Alive
Other✔
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.