The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
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Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.