I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
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*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
who named him groot and not spruce lee
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor