[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
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Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.