ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
You Might Also Like
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period