Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
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[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup