Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
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8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
oh my god
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.