I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
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Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Good morning.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.