[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
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[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
TRAIN’S HERE
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
Doggies just call it style.
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.