The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
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Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.