You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
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Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
Once again not all heroes wear capes
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.