*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
You Might Also Like
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
<- sleeps well with others
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
Sounds about right. 😂🤣