I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
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I saw this ending much differently.
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?