[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
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[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
what’s more important?
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014