I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
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*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me