Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
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Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
My birthstone is a marshmallow
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start