Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
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(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
The real reason evolution started..😂
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
reviewed some movies recently
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.