Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
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A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it