[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
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“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
Succinctly put.
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.