I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
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The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.