If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
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I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate