temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
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Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you