How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
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Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys