Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
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I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
i think we should see other cousins
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.