Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
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Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
Message from the dog groomers
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.