The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
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You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
The first matador
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!