If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
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Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine