My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
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[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
What’s this sorcery? 😂
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.