The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
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everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
the three branches of government
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work