me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
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Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good