My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
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I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
cat faces on other animals, a thread
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit