of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
You Might Also Like
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
My dating profile:
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.