The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
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Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait