And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
You Might Also Like
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.