If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
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I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
man: wait
time: no
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
Google assistant rules
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
what?
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.