What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
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Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
I just tested negative for patience.
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
Challenge accepted.
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
A roof is a house hat.
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?