My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
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What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️