ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
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Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
That’s classic.
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
“our sushi is very fresh”
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.