89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
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The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
Why font matters.
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns