Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
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I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
This is me 🤣🤣
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
Still a very good boi….
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun