Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
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Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)