*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
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Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
Start the year as you intend to continue.
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
Webb. James Webb.
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…