Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
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Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
Just got to our Airbnb!
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*