It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
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Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off