Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
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Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
So creative 😂
accurate
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.