Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
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At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*