When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
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Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!