Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
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I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-