My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
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Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
A friend sent me this.
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see